Have you ever felt the helplessness of a situation of which you know you need to get out as soon as possible but then feel like your hands are tied by the people around you?? Oh trust me...its bad! First of all to get things to be transpicuous in this small head of mine (I mean seriously...how difficult can it be...how big is it anyways?? :p) seems like the most operose task of the century..and not just once but every time I make an attempt to understand whats goin on in there, I end up getting lost in the morass of my head (How did so much fit in?!? Seriously!!). The more I try to ravel the threads of the thoughts in my head, the more they enmesh making me feel like one of those deranged persons trying to make head and tail of a situation! I mean really...how lost do I manage to get in my own thoughts will never cease to flabbergast me!! One day I'm here thinking, "Oh! I love him/her! Why don't I try making peace with him/her?? That's it...decided...I will talk and apologise for my faults (if any) and get everything back on track." whereas the very next week, the thought whose thread I manage to catch goes something like, "That freakin weirdo!! How dare he/she! I hate him/her! Hate him/her more than anything else on this earth! He/she dare talk to me ever again!! Only if one murder was forgivable, I would go kill him/her first!!". That's how labyrinthine it all is!!
But then sometimes when I sit in solitude and think about it, it hits me just how forlorn can someone be! Every minute that I spent cogitating about myself and the pandemonium in my mind, I did not realize that I, like everyone else, am living a life that is dictated by someone else! That we all were trying to fit ourselves in by trying hard to like the people we know we might never like...in the hope that maybe someday, we will be able to quadrate to all those around us...maybe someday we wouldn't feel the way we did then! Human tendency as we call it...man is a social animal (Okay..one sec...why only man? Umm..man maybe coz men gossip more than gurls :p) and cannot really live without mixing and interacting with people his kinds. But does being a social animal mean you have to change yourself completely in order to be welcomed into this world of interaction?? Most people like me would go like 'Whats the need to change?'...but yes! That's what is happening. Such is the need for the social asservation that in the bid to make themselves jonnick into this big circle of the 'cool lot', people end up forgetting what they really are! I might believe/not believe in one thing, but just so that my friends accept me better I should stop/start believing in it?? No, right?? On the face of it, everyone will say 'no' to that question...but on the inside we know, we cannot lie to ourselves!
Just everyday as we walk around, I do not know, or for that matter, do not keep the capacity to know how many masks we carry around! Every person I talk to, I always think, which mask is this person putting up in front of me now. And no matter how much we deny it, we all do it! Lie on the face of a person we think is hideous by saying, "Oh!You look beautiful!!" or say to a person who's bugged us for like half an hour with his utterly non-sensical stodgy talk, "Hey!I enjoyed your company dude!". We all do it! Reason...umm...yeah, some would say complaisance! True! But not all masks are as innocuous as those ones! Why do we need them at all?? Why don't we have the power to say what we want, to whom we want?? Why cant we stand up for ourselves and make our two-cents worth clear?? Because we're all scared of recreancy! What if I am chucked out of that big pool where all the big fishes swim to a pool I might have all to myself but without the 'cool' fishes taking care of my reputation in the society??
Like I said earlier, there rarely are true friends who are gonna watch your back all the time....if you've found such a friend, consider yourself really lucky...and if you haven't, then just know you're not alone coz there are loadsa people getting hurt everyday trying to kumtux the twists and turns of this recondite life of ours!! So, expecting someone to stand by you and watch your back is maybe being too gravid!! Having the hardihood to say what you want to and stand up for yourself is important! We don't need to try hard to get people to like us! Don't try to fit it, just let the people make place for you! And if they don't, then move on...they just don't deserve the accord!! :)
I just happened to watch the movie 'Taare zameen par' and realized how similar the story of every child was (and they said every child was different...yea rite!). As a child (and even now) the word 'studies' scared the crap outa me! Why do we have to study so much?? Spend each day remembering the new year resolution we made, reminding ourselves of that promise we make not just at the beginning of each year but in fact twice a year, 'This semester I'm gonna take my studies seriously and be prepared for my exams in advance as well as attend all my classes'...The resolution lives through at the most a week (for me :p) of the semester where I religiously follow the routine of gettin up in time (yes! in time!) for my classes and actually attending all of them! Okay...now that's a different story that hardly any classes take place in the first week of the semester :D But nevertheless, I do go for all of them...teachers not coming is not my problem.I'm an obedient student who will attend all my classes! Well, that's the first week of the semester...but that's it...its just the first week! There on starts the degradation...of the routine...of the resolution! The alarm clock keeps ringing and the 'good' me keeps trying to convince the 'bad' me to finally get up and attend the class while my hand keeps hitting the snooze button, wanting to throw the alarm clock away with all the force I have every time it rings! Somehow I make it to half the classes there on..morning classes are a big no-no! :p This goes on till some teacher announces my name in the list of students with short attendance.OMG! How did this happen!? I made a resolution...to attend all my classes...hows my attendance short?? (Hits me quite soon, it was just a resolution, not a practice!) Only if teachers counted the time I spent thinkin about the resolution (it was hard...it really was...to make a resolution to put myself through all the torture of attending all the classes..tsk tsk) in the class hours as well, my attendance would easily rise by about 10 percent!! But alas! That ain't gonna happen! Then I start again...attend all my classes till I reach the deadly goal of 75%! Aah! To make it to 75% attendance is like having achieved something miraculous..something so difficult that I proudly tell all my friends how I extricated myself out of the the situation I created myself! :p
Then comes the part where I need to concentrate..the other half of my resolution..to take my studies seriously and get better grades! But then, concentration has never been my amigo! Just as I open my books to try and understand some vexatious laws, metallica creeps in through the back door just in time to sing 'Tuesday's gone' while I acquiesce to their request to play for me (I like to believe they requested me...cuts out the guilt :p) and shake my head with eyes closed as I revel in the notes flowing smoothly out of their instruments! Finally the song gets over and I open my eyes with a smile on my face. But uh..wait! The smile vanishes as I realize that Tuesday really is gone and I have my exam 2 days later...on Friday!! Dammit! From there on starts the praying, "Oh God! Please help me just for this semester.I promise I will prepare a lot earlier next sem.Just get me good grades this sem...just this sem! Please God please!!!"
Things didn't change the entire sem...nor did my grades! But the hope lives on...there is always the next semester! Here I am, at the beginning of another new year, another new semester just a week away, making the same resolutions I made all my previous semesters...preparing myself for another onerous semester. I do not believe in the brevity of human life! There is always the next semester...and the next... :)
Ever wondered why everything in life seems so ironical...so weird...out of the world! Yeah..happens to me a lot of times...and very often I'm left to think about what exactly is it that's actually keeping me going...each and every day! And the answer comes as quick as a stone coming to hit your head...its the sense of satisfaction that you are doing what you are here to do.
There have been times when it all seemed hazy...the purpose...the life in itself! But then I found my guiding light in those who care. There were times when I was left alone..left alone to march to the final summit clearing all the hurdles all by myself. But yeah...kept going because I knew where to go even thought the 'how' part was as hazy as the summit itself. I had heard people saying, friends you make in college are your friends for life. But who really decides what are friends? Are they people who stand by you in troubled times? Or are they people who stand by you always? Or are they people who love you for what you are? Are they the ones who know you inside out and still think you're nice?? So many definitions but not one person to fit them all. Someone who stands by you does not know you...someone who knows you doesn't like you...and someone who likes you doesn't stand by you. Then how do we, normal human beings without any special powers, decide who's a true friend who's not?? There is no way!! Because one day, there they all are, holding your hand promising you they won't let you fall...and the very next day, you see them pushing you over the edge.Why?? The answer to that resonating question is yet to be found by me! I hope I never find the answer because I don't wanna be shocked out of my wits by getting to know how people make fun of that word, right in front of their 'Friend'. Everyday when someone close to me told me, "This, my dear, this is the real world! There is no escaping it...there is no running away from the fact that in this real world, no one cares for no one.".I fought with him...fought with all the vigour I had! Fought with all the faith I had by my side..."No!! This isn't the real world! This is just a mere dark reflection of the real world.Just the other side of the coin. Just another fake world where people like to believe no one belongs to no one! Real world is inside you...deep inside you where you still care about the people around you..where you still know what love is, what true friendship is...that's the real world!". He tried to make me understand but I was adamant. Days passed and I saw more colours of this real world and realized, every word of what he had said was true! Yes! To my utter disappointment, it was true! This was the real world!! No one cared...people changed within seconds...friendship meant nothing...people were lost in a hurried frenzy to make their foothold...to make the world realize their worth! It was cruel, this real world! I did not want to be a part of this real world! I wanted my real world back, which now was past! A beautiful past of which I had only memories left. And I wanted more than memories..more than mere reminiscences of that past, where you could smile without making people hate you, where you could be happy and not have people eye your happiness with suspicion.But that was past and I could not have it back. Only if I could look forward to my past, I would spend each day smiling, waiting for my past to come back to me. But I knew it won't!
Dreams ad-nauseam...dreams unlimited..we all have them! But not all come true...and this was one dream which was not going to come true. So what! I made my own 'real' world..where there was just me..where I still valued friendship..where I would still lend a shoulder to someone crying..where I still believe in the power of love and faith..where I still believe in myself! It doesn't matter there is no one with me! It doesn't matter no one believes in my real world. I am walking to the final summit on my own...and yes! I will make it! I see the world outside as my real world. This world is untouchable.No one can even come close to shatter my dreams. No one can ruin this picture for me. This is my treasure. This is ME!